I've paid a high price to be me. I don't know why I turned out the way I did; I've spent a lot of time trying to figure it out. The fact of the matter is that I'm different. I became a nerd very early in life, and then I became a freak, and then I settled somewhere in the middle as a geek. My life has not been easy; the struggle for identity has been something I will never be able to express in words.

I'm not asking you to feel sorry for me. I don't feel sorry for myself. Actually, I'm pretty damned proud of who I am. I wonder how I found the strength to stay true to myself depsite the chaos that I lived through. If you must pity someone, pity the wretches who gave up. I came very close to being one of them, closer than I'd care to admit.

In the Waite Tarot Deck (commonly referred to as the Rider-Waite, but I don't see why the publisher gets the credit), there is a card called the Five of Cups. Simplified, it is a man standing over three spilled cups, with two standing cups behind him. To quote Waite, "It is a card of loss, but something remains left over; three have been taken, but two are left..." And with all due respect to the man who created the deck, I don't see it that way.

It is a card of Pride.

Nobody gets to keep all the cups. But sometimes you have to sacrifice the lesser ones to keep the important ones-- pride and self-respect. These are things I would have told you all my life that I had, but only recently have I come to understand what these things are.

As I grew up, people told me I was wrong by nature. Whether it was my clothes, my interests, my looks, or later my religion, there was something wrong with me because I was different. This sort of thing takes its toll after a while. It marks you, and it's not a mark you can get rid of easily.

At first I ran from my problems, only to discover that whatever they had taken from me could not be so easily regained. I had lost something, and it was obvious to all who saw me. When you're walking on eggshells hoping people will like you, the crunching is louder than you think.

Well, I've grown up now and I've rejoined the human race. And I've discovered that the human race has grown up, too. It's starting to understand that different is not bad. It's starting to get curious. I started to respect myself, and others started to respect me.

Don't get me wrong-- there are people out there who still think I'm an aberration. That there is something in me that is wrong because I haven't chosen their lifestyle or their religion. And they try to tell me that I should be ashamed.

I will no longer be ashamed. My path is my own; I'll share it with others but I force it on no one. If this is a threat to you, it can only be because you want power over me that I will no longer give. I will fight for myself and for those like me, and I will do it with a vehemence that you cannot imagine.

I've paid a high price to be me... but it was worth it. The bill is paid, I have my receipt, and I'm pretty proud of my purchase. And if you don't have a self, I highly recommend picking one up. Some things you just shouldn't lease.

© 1999 by Cather "Catalyst" Steincamp